These are a few of the words that have been used to describe me in the last few weeks. I am filled with pride. I have worked very hard over the last 5 years to create this image of myself. To leave an impact in my personal life and in my work life.
I was a supervisor at my job almost two years. I loved my job, my customers, and my team. On the 28th of August, I left that position, my "home" for the last few years, to go back to school to pursue Early Childhood Education and ultimately Behavioral Intervention. I've found an apartment over an hour from where I have lived for the last 5 years. It is only a half hour from where I grew up. I am excited, and also scared for the future.
I am not perfect, but I do my best. I often push myself beyond my limits to help someone else. I end up exhausted, but I feel GOOD about being able to help. Other people view me as GOOD. as HELPFUL. And this is the fuel to my fire. I set goals, and drive myself to achieve them. I suffer from anxiety and depression, but I don't let them get the best of me. These demons threaten to overtake me on a regular basis, and I throw off their blanket when I get out of bed in the morning. When I jump out of the shower and throw on my uniform, I am pushing them down further. I refuse medical intervention. I will not live my life in a medicated fog just to have a semblance of normalcy. Because you see, I am NOT normal. I suffer from scoliosis, severe back and joint pain, I have MRKH. I can't carry a child, no matter what, and this is like a knife to the heart I can never pull out. It kills me inside. Behind closed doors, I break down. I cry until I run out of tears, and I scream and I hate the world. I want it all to end. I surround myself with tasks to keep my mind occupied and away from my inner turmoil.
Hearing words like the ones above remind me of why I've been doing all of this. They remind me to keep striving, because what I do has made a difference. Comments from sisters, family and friends, remind me this is WHAT I DO and WHY. Somehow, I make people smile when they walk through the door. I am greeted with big smiles and waves whenever I am around town. Everyone knows and loves my persona. She and I have yet to totally meet, but slowly we are merging. "Work" me and "home" me are becoming one.
I have started to pursue my education in a field I know I am meant to be in. I work hard, and stare adversity in the face. Last night, I had a melt down, because things change and life happens. Someone near to me is accidentally pregnant again, and they already have a large family including their 3 month old son. I am in no way disrespecting them, I am happy and excited they are having another child, but that doesn't change the jealousy and hurt that I feel. And I have to remind myself, Its OK to feel hurt. Its OK to cry. But ultimately in the morning I still have to get up, put my smile on, grab my books, and face the world. No matter how difficult that may be!