Chad and I officially separated in November 2015. I do not wish to go into much detail on the matter. But I will tell you that there was a lot of lying and manipulation, and it was better to end things as they were.
As you all may have guessed, things with Chad, myself, our surrogate and baby did not pan out. Before I moved to the valley Chad and I had our first major falling out, and we decided not to pursue the course we had planned. Looking back, I am thankful that things did not work out, because bringing a child into a home of lies, deceit and mistrust would have been a horrible thing. Bringing them into an almost-broken home would be even worse.
That being said, it breaks my heart to imagine the child that "could have been". We would have been 19 weeks at this point, if our arranged September date had worked. We could have been finding out the gender. We could have been going to a 3D ultrasound for beautiful 3D images and creating memories. In early May of this year, we could have been holding a newborn in our arms. A new life welcomed to this planet to love and be loved, treasured and wanted from the start. In May 2017, they could have been a year old. And the thoughts continue. It is heart wrenching for me to imagine these things. I am heartbroken over a child that was doomed to only ever exist in my imagination. I am at a loss because of something that I cannot control, a victim of my own circumstances and the choices I had made. These thoughts haunt me. And I don't know if they will ever go away. I will always wonder who you would have been.
On a more positive note, I rang in the new year with a great guy. I met him a few months back when I first moved back to the valley and I started working with him. We talked a lot after our shifts, and went out a few times. He games like I do, enjoys the same nerdy things, lets me be silly and goofy, and above all, he accepts me for who I am. He knows about MRKH. He knows about my past and why sometimes I struggle. And he accepts that. He accepts me for me. He doesn't tell me I'm "not really a woman" and he doesn't tell me "a child from surrogacy or adoption will never really be mine". I also know about his past, the struggles he has had and the struggles he still faces. I love that I can talk easily and really be myself, and not worry about being called childish or foolish, because he usually nerds out about the same things I do. We take turns cooking, cleaning, cooking, doing laundry, driving, etc. I'm finally seeing how bad things had been and how great things could become!
Regardless of going through a nasty break up, and having to deal with the complete shuffle of my "life plan", I've started and finished my first semester of college, I am days away from beginning my second, I am working hard and I've found a great man. I've reconnected with family, friends, and most importantly, with myself. I'm starting to realize who I should have been all along, and the true potential my future has in store! Thanks for reading!