I have been feeling really baby depressed this afternoon. In case you haven't read my past posts waayyyyy down the blog here, I sometimes get unbelievably sad just by browsing baby pictures and seeing baby bump pictures online. I think being on Facebook again the last few days is the culprit. I am not in any way saying that I am not happy for you all to have such beautiful bundles of joy in your lives and/or on the way, but it just saddens me trying to imagine myself in the same circumstance. It is especially hard right now where we don't have a clear plan in place and no finances to even have a starting point. It is a hard place to be in for anyone struggling with infertility, and all I am asking is that you all please be sensitive to those of us who may not want to entertain all of your little ones and coo over the photographs and cuddle the newborns, because some days it just hurts too much. Not all days, but some. And I have coined the term "baby depression" because that is exactly what it is. I feel a deep ache in my heart, an empty place where a beautiful child belongs, where I feel the raw pain from being diagnosed with my infertility and the misery of not being able to do anything about it.
I am not going to say it is all bad, though. There are days, especially this time of year, when I am walking through the mall or Walmart and see a woman with two or three screaming kids under the age of 5 wailing in the carts because they cannot get a certain toy or chocolate, and all I can think is "Better you than me!"
I certainly find parenthood overwhelming and frightening in itself, but I look forward to being able to embrace it in the next several years as our relationship moves forward and we get ourselves on more stable ground.
Thank you all for reading!