It hurts me, to hear C's friends call their kids (that aren't their's but that their girlfriends had with someone else) "the kid" and "little brat" because they are not THEIR biological child. It bugs me when they discuss discipline and how if they were their own children, then they would be spanked and "brought up right".
Most of these people don't know we struggle with infertility. Its a common question in our house, "Sooo, when are YOU guys having kids?" and "You've been together 4 years, its about time!" Our responses are mixed. C laughs and says he never wants kids (which is like a knife to the chest, every time...) and I just mumble off about "someday" and "no finances for that right now"... Because that is the closest thing to the truth I can come up with.
C and I are still on the fence about how we are going to go about having a family. I think most of it is my own hesitation, the fear of going so far into debt and not being able to know that the gamble is going to result in a baby..
My fears that C is against adoption because the kids would not be biologically "his" (even though by legal document they are).
My fears of rejection by his family, because I can't give them a grandchild that is their's or that I'm sending him into debt and "dragging him down with me".
I'm scared that he isn't going to want to stick around after I start going on hormones and get really crazy, leaving me with a huge mountain of debt, waiting, thinking, and maybe a baby to raise all on my own...
I'm terrified the drugs and needles are going to scare him away, that the finances are just going to be too much of a burden for him to want to stick around, especially if we ended up with multiples in a birth as well..
He only wants one child, I always wanted a big family. I definitely want a minimum of two kids so I'd "have" to spoil them equally. I want to adopt, because even though it's a waiting period, it's also the cheapest option. I know I probably won't get a brand new baby, or even a toddler. But I know regardless of the age, I would give that child everything I have. It would be loved and cared for as if it were my own, out of my own womb (if I had one...)
I would LOVE to do IVF, to go through the process of having a biological child of our own.
It just doesn't seem like the possible benefits of the situation (maybe having a child or two or three) outweigh the negatives for the procedures (crazy hormones, DEFINITE debt load to take on especially if we had multiple treatments).
I'm just feeling really insecure and uncertain of myself lately.. I needed this little fear rant.. Thanks for reading!