I've been feeling pretty bitter lately. I have been working a lot, and we moved and downsized to a house 1/4 the size of the old place. I had my gynecologist visit almost two weeks ago, and am going for blood work to test my hormones and see if I am ovulating this month. I gave up on the ovulation predictor kits, because I hadn't gotten a positive reading in two months.
I am tired of looking at the numbers for infertility, both for the costs and the odds of conceiving. It seems like a scary gamble, and one I'm still not sure I am ready to take. Adoption doesn't look much better with an 8 year estimate for wait time, with no guarantee of being matched with a child. I am terrified that I will never have the means to have a child of my own. I want nothing more in my life than to have a child, any age, to love and take care of and raise to take on the world.
We only raised $150 from our Indiegogo campaign, and that closed last night, so we did not get to keep any of the proceeds... Thank you to everyone who donated, but unfortunately not enough people were willing or able to open their hearts and donate a few dollars, regardless of how I reached out on social media. It is saddening and disheartening to know that even though thousands (THOUSANDS!!!!!!) of people read my posts between Cosmopolitan, several hundred heard my radio chat with Gail Vaz-Oxlade (starts at 1 hour 5 minutes), and now hundreds more are viewing my interview with the Hants Journal, very few people could even summon up $1, sacrificing one of their coffees for one day... even though if every single person that read the article had donated that single dollar, we would be WELL over our measly goal of $500 and be on our way to parenthood in the next few years... The comments of encouragement from those that did donate or couldn't donate but still commented are greatly appreciated! Thank you for your support!
This is just beginning to look like a journey that I very well am going to have to fight through on my own, especially financially. The virtual hugs and words of kindness are all well and good, but they alone are not going to put a beautiful baby in my arms. The prayers are not going to change the way I was born, that I have no means of carrying a child myself, no matter what science tells you. I get to look at my friends, several of whom are pregnant and/or have very young children, and I am heartbroken.
My saving grace is that my best friend, one I've been close to for many years, has come forward and told me she is pregnant. She named me the Godmother. I am leaping on this opportunity to love and cuddle and spoil a beautiful child, boy or girl, healthy or challenged in some way. I'm not positive, and I know I'm only young, but it's beginning to feel like this little one is going to be the only chance I have at a baby, aside from if I win the fertility lottery and magically wake up to a fully loaded, unlimited bank account and a uterus to work with. Or, have a baby in a basket delivered by some mystical, fictional stork.
I feel like someone should be waking me up at any time, and these last four years have been nothing but a terrible, struggling nightmare to come to terms with my syndrome and stay positive about everything in life when nothing seems to want to go my way. Or someone can hand me a fat wallet, whichever is easier!