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Here are the two MRKH tattoos I designed last night for myself. I am hoping to put one of them on my right forearm, on the inside. I just can't decide which one I would like to go with! It is a tough choice! (The first one is my favorite, but I LOVE the word Strength being incorporated in the second... Might modify the first one a little and re-post it.) Our adoption information session is officially on July 8, 2014 and we are confirmed to attend. We are making it an "us" night, complete with dinner out before the session. I am very excited and have started a list of questions to ask while we are there. Do any of you have any questions that you think we should ask during the beginning of the adoption process?
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We received a phone call from our local social services representative, and answered some questions to start the adoption process today. I am not sure of anything at the moment, but she asked for our work contact information, our dates of birth, full names, and gave us a bunch of information regarding what kind of things they will look into during the adoption process. We have a lot of forms to fill out, and need to provide criminal record and child abuse registry checks (obviously). We requested to have only children 0-5 on our possible matches, simply because I am only 20 and it wouldn't be appropriate really for me to be parenting a child any older than that (for now). That being said, with that age range, we could be looking at a 4-8 year wait to be potentially matched with a child. In the mean time, we need to attend an information session in a few weeks, followed by a course a couple of months later if we decide to continue on the adoption journey.
I was really surprised, because C actually seems very excited (or at least a lot more enthusiastic) to be going through the process. When I told him I had called the 1-800 number, he gave me a big smile and a kiss, which is a far cry from "I'm not so sure that's the route we should be going." And when I told him the rep had contacted me this afternoon and I had to call her back, he told me to get on it right away! I'm very excited that he's looking forward to exploring the option with me and taking this big of a step towards starting a family of our own. I'm feeling very positive, please hope and pray for us as we start our journey! Thanks for reading! Just made the big phone call, and they have to re-do the information since we moved since my first call and changed our phone number. I should be getting a call from someone in my area within the next 10 days regarding the information required on our application! Keeping all my fingers and toes and everything else crossed for this to work out! One big step down! :)
For those of you who don't know me yet, or are just getting used to my blog, let me tell you a little about myself. I am 20 years old, and the main point of this blog is to discuss my struggles and triumphs with MRKH and infertility. Mayer-Rockitansky-Kuster-Hauser syndrome is a congenital condition I was born with. I am missing my uterus, and the upper 2/3 of my vagina. I do not have a period, and can never have children of my own unless we go through surrogacy and in-vitro fertilization, and lots and lots of moneeyyy!! On top of the MRKH, I also have scoliosis, which is a curvature in my spine. I also have two kidneys on one side of my body, both separate and fully functional. I work as a supervisor at Tim Hortons, and do a lot of horseback riding and volunteering when I'm off. I have 4 cats and a dog. My boyfriend C and I have been together for 3 years and 9 months (I had to stop and count that out!), and he has been the most fabulous support system I could ever have. My family has been incredible, as well as my medical team, namely my gynecologist that is very to-the-point and answers any and all of my crazy weird questions about everything to do with my body. My main "defense" when people ask me if we have "kids yet", I tell them I do not have kids, I have cats. I am the crazy cat lady that has a boyfriend. Yup, let that sink in. People seem to think that since we have been together so long, we should have kids "by now" but I think that is just crazy. I am 20, he is 26. We have our struggles (most people I know personally are unaware of them) and we are still exploring our options and trying to get ourselves on the best financial base possible. See my kitties below! We are looking into adoption and into surrogacy. C is against adoption on the basis that the kids would not be "his" biologically, but has agreed to participate in the home study and course process required to adopt a child in Nova Scotia, and then we will see what we think of the whole deal once we are done with the entry level stuff. The other part of the deal is that we travel to the city regularly to meet with my gynecologist together, and start attending meetings put on year by the Atlantic Assisted Reproductive Services team at the IWK. We are going to gather as much information as we possibly can about all of our options before coming to a final decision. I would love to have a family, regardless of how I get to that point, but C is adamant he wants a child that is biologically his and does not want a large family, so we will continue to plow through our options and re-work our ideas as life progresses. Here is a fabulous picture of me, with my mother's dog Penni (who turned 11 on the day this photo was taken!) Just because I am an animal person! :) And here is a (older) picture of me with C. He is amazing support system that lets me cry out my frustrations and fill our computer with adoption sites and IVF information networks. We are relaxing in this picture at low tide off his family wharf. We have so much love and support to offer a family someday! Please do not replicate photos without permission, they are professionally done by the lovely Jan Wan Photography. I paid for these photos to be taken and the rights to distribute them! Find her on Facebook to schedule your own session!
Thank you for following me and reading my blog. I look forward to sharing my journey with you along the way! P.S... I still have not called the adoption agency, but am picking up the phone RIGHT NOW because the sun just came out and that is my sign! No more rain!!! Happy days to come :) Today is the day, I embrace making that big phone call to the provincial adoption agency and ask if they are accepting applications again. They haven't returned my call that I made at the end of April, except to tell me they would be making a decision *soon*, so wish me luck! I am feeling very positive and optimistic this morning! :)
I have been feeling very emotional lately.. Not sure if it is me (finally) coming out of the almost-3-months-hormone-free (complete with acne and anger and tears and craziness), or if I'm just becoming more and more worried about the "future" (and our chances of having/adopting children) every day.
I go for my trans-vaginal ultrasound (dildocam) at the end of July. I am extremely nervous, since my first (and only!) PAP test in March was painful and upsetting and strangely did not make me feel any better than I had before the test. For some odd reason, I felt the need to ask my doctor for EVERY. TEST. AVAILABLE. I went for 5 weeks of blood work, am going for 2 ultrasounds (one dildocam, one regular pelvic), and had a PAP smear all relatively smashed together in the last 3-4 months. As if somehow, by shoving all of these tests (most of them irrelevant at the moment) would help better my odds and make me feel better about my syndrome, and would help me learn exactly what is wrong with me. I don't mean to sound harsh when I say that. It's just, when I was born, my mother was told I only had 1 kidney. At age 13 or 14, I started suffering from really bad back pain. It ended up being scoliosis (a twist or curvature in the natural spine). Come age 15, I still hadn't had my period. So after a number of tests, it was discovered I have MRKH, the absence of my uterus and some of my vagina. THEN, at around 17, I started getting severe bladder infections, sometimes re-occurring twice monthly. I ended up seeing a urologist, who found nothing wrong with my bladder or urinary tract (HUH!! Something is NOT wrong for once), but during the CT scan done before my scope, they discover (drum roll please) that I not only have one kidney, but TWO, and miraculously, they are two separate, fully functioning kidneys that have separate "wiring" but are BOTH ON MY RIGHT SIDE!! Here's what I've pieced together:
I would love to have some REAL answers about what is going on with my body! I want the testing done now and not later (when we are actively trying to have a child of our own). This way, I have a better idea of my options in advance. All of this "too many options" stuff is stressing me out!! I've been looking at kids available for adoption online, and am STILL WAITING to hear back from the government agency whether adoption applications are being accepted in Nova Scotia again or not. I may call them and leave another message later... I also need to research surrogacy if that is an option and find someone who would be willing to be a surrogate for us. I have a list of qualifications, so that should be interesting. But that will come around once I know my options and if my eggs "might" be healthy for removal and transfer (IF we catch them with one of the ultrasounds and IF we can come up with the funds for IVF and surrogacy.) Anyways, that is my rant about my stress right now.... Sorry for TMI if anybody is offended! Thanks for reading! Sorry if any of these are offensive, I am feeling a little frustrated and thought a jumbled post would be helpful. I'm sorry if I offend anyone! 1) I heard my baby's heartbeat and I cried! I'm 12 weeks! :') OMG #soemotional
2) OMG! Clearblue test says that I am 1-2 weeks Pregnant! #preggerz #mommytobe
3) "Morning sickness sucks."
4) I can't sleep, my 13-week belly is in the way..
5) *CONSTANTLY posting belly/ultrasound/baby pics*
6) I HATE MY PERIOD! Wish it would go away!
7) I'm going for an abortion next week, accidentally got me preggerz before the wedding and don't wanna be fat for our VAY CAY!
And so concludes my write up of the 7 things fertiles do that drive. me. crazy. Any more to add just message me on Twitter or comment to this post. Thanks for reading!
Monday (May 26) happens to be my 20th birthday *pause for claps and cheers*. I am ready to say goodbye to my teens and get into my twenties. I've realized over the last couple years that I am never going to tell anyone my age again. I know that's foolish, but its not for the reason you think. I want people to appreciate what I do because I do a good job. Not because I do a good job "even though I'm so young" "even though I'm a millennial" etc etc.... From now on, if anyone asks, I do not disclose my age. If the issue is pressed, I am, 26 maybe? I'll decide on that later... I was also told at the end of April that near the end of May I would be getting a call whether adoption applications here in Nova Scotia are going to be accepted again or not. We are still waiting on news! I am anxiously waiting by the phone, which seems to be making me cranky. C doesn't seem to be nearly as impatient or as bothered by the waiting for a call process. I think once things are in motion it should get a little easier. Maybe? Anyone?? I keep browsing adoption sites and re-watching the adoption videos on the Nova Scotia government page and Adoption.com, as if that's any consolation or assistance while we are waiting. In other news, my best friend heard her baby's heartbeat the other day at her 14 week ultrasound (JEALOUS!!!) She is super excited and so am I! I get to be Godmother of her little one and I am going to spoil it rotten! Hey, I might not ever have kids of my own. You never know, so I might as well spoil her's! (See me and bestie below! <3 Please do not copy picture, it is protected by copyright. Courtesy of Jan Wan Photography. Find her on Facebook by clicking her name!) I also have more exciting news for you guys but it will have to wait to the weekend before I can tell you, because things are not finalized. It has nothing to do with kids, but is awesome news just the same!
Thanks for reading, stay tuned! :) I'm just feeling excited and trying to boost my spirits. My birthday is on the 26th of May, and is roughly when I should hear back as to whether they are taking adoption applications in Nova Scotia again or not. The representative that called me said they are having a meeting and she would be in contact around the end of the month with the results from the meeting. She also said she was fairly positive they would be taking applications again for adoption. We don't have an agency in Nova Scotia, we go through the province with a public adoption. If we want to do a family or friend private adoption, we go through lawyers. There is an approximate 8 year wait for adoption, but that is no guarantee, because there isn't a "waiting parents list". Instead, they match parents based on qualifications and similarities with the child. Your application says whether you are interested in sibling groups or single children, if you are willing to take on certain physical and mental disabilities, and your family likes and dislikes. We will have to go through a home study and the PRIDE course, an adoptive parent training course offered by the province, before we can finish the forms and complete the adoption process. We decided that even though C is leery towards adoption, we would try the home study and the course and make a decision afterward. That way, we can see what we are getting into with the province and give him some positive feelings towards the adoption system. He is scared of the child not being accepted as a "true" grandchild by his family. I am hoping when we talk to everyone and have done the course we will know for sure whether this is what we want to do or not.
I've been looking at several incredible adoption sites, I am going to list a few so you can check them out if considering adoption. I love Adoption.com for the articles and great advice for every stage of adoption! The other two are the ones we have viewed for our local adoption policies and regulations, plus some success and information videos! www.Adoption.com @Adoption on Twitter! Adoption Nova Scotia Adoptive Parents.ca Thanks for reading! In light of a perfectly positive ovulation predictor kit on Monday and my final blood test today, I had a good cry. No matter what we do, we will never be the pregnant, glowing couple. We can have sex in 100 positions in 30 days, or over 30 cycles, and it would not make a bit of difference in regards to the likelihood of his sperm meeting my eggs. I have confirmation that I have a LH surge, meaning I may (or probably do) ovulate within 24 hours after that peak is detected. We aren't sure the condition of his sperm and their mobility and numbers, but regardless, I will never get to carry a child.
My best friend is pregnant. It is so amazing, and beautiful, to watch her as her body is slowly changing and her belly is growing. It is also painful at times, to hear her chatting about the do's and don't's of pregnancy, what she can have and what she can't, what fits and what doesn't. She is going to make a wonderful mother, and I can't help but be just a little bit jealous of her. Our other friend's girlfriend is 7 months pregnant, and is wrapped up in due dates and accumulating baby stuff. In fact, 3/7 of the couples we hang out with are expecting. 3 others are actively trying to conceive. It seems to me that WE are the 1 in 8 that everyone talks about. The funny thing is, 2 of the couples that are TTC are either just starting their infertility journey, or are in the middle of their TWW (one couple for each scenario). Is infertility really that common, that 3 couples in our group of 8 are dealing with infertility, while 3 others are extremely fertile? It is nice to know some people in person that are going through the same struggles as us, but I still feel alone most of the time. We have been talking, and arguing, about adopting vs. IVF. I don't believe these arguments will end, until either A) We have a child (through either method) or B) we eventually split up. His fear is that he will not be able to love a child that is adopted. My fear is the debt that would come along with going through IVF treatments. We are in a gridlock between the two issues, and it has led to many angry words and tears, only to kiss, hug, and make up and start the discussion again. I'm just feeling frustrated and like we are stuck in a rut. I am miserable because of the reoccurring realization that we will never naturally conceive, and I am resentful towards my own body. I am thin, I am healthy, I am relatively active and I am smart. I did excellent in school. Those words do little to calm me when I get too deep in thought. I cannot do the one thing that every man and woman takes for granted: a natural pregnancy, and bearing a child. I am not ALONE in the struggle, but a lot of the time, the rest of the world sure makes you feel like it! Thanks for reading! |
Author21 year old girl with MRKH. I am a college student, supervisor at Tim Hortons, writer and volunteer on the side. I love my animals, reading, and spending time with people closest to me! I am trying to come to terms with my syndrome. I hope to find the perfect way to start a family of our own. Archives
February 2016
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