I am sorry my last post was such a downer. I had to get everything out, I held it inside for too long. As I was writing, I cried. As I proof-read (and its not perfect by any means), I cried harder. And after I posted, I felt like a weight was lifted off my shoulders. My burden was no longer just my own. I've never before admitted to feeling abused, to feeling manipulated. But I was. It is a part of my journey, and I am going to embrace every part of it.
That being said, I am still struggling with my feelings about everything. I hoped, prayed, and worked toward the "perfect family" for a long time, Marriage, planned, fell apart. Adoption, planned, fell apart. IVF, planned, fell apart. Buying a house, planned, fell apart. Surrogate and IUI, planned, fell apart. Relationship, 5 years in the making, fell apart.
I always felt "ready". Now, I am hurt and miserable because none of my plans worked out. I cry some days, especially around dates of what could have been. Based on my math, for example, our child "would have" been born around the beginning of May. So this was a tough month, and a hard first Mother's Day after seeing a Facebook memory from a year ago cheering us on in our journey. As sad as I am at times, I am also thankful, because things not working "as planned" allowed me to find an incredible man who supports me and lifts me up instead of bringing me down. It has allowed me to pursue my career and find a position in my field, and it has given me the strength to move past what could have been, and on toward what will be.
That being said, I am still struggling with my feelings about everything. I hoped, prayed, and worked toward the "perfect family" for a long time, Marriage, planned, fell apart. Adoption, planned, fell apart. IVF, planned, fell apart. Buying a house, planned, fell apart. Surrogate and IUI, planned, fell apart. Relationship, 5 years in the making, fell apart.
I always felt "ready". Now, I am hurt and miserable because none of my plans worked out. I cry some days, especially around dates of what could have been. Based on my math, for example, our child "would have" been born around the beginning of May. So this was a tough month, and a hard first Mother's Day after seeing a Facebook memory from a year ago cheering us on in our journey. As sad as I am at times, I am also thankful, because things not working "as planned" allowed me to find an incredible man who supports me and lifts me up instead of bringing me down. It has allowed me to pursue my career and find a position in my field, and it has given me the strength to move past what could have been, and on toward what will be.
On a much more positive note, my best friend and my Godson moved back home a few months ago. They have been an incredibly welcome distraction! I have had a great time letting Pam and my Godson Keghan get to know my boyfriend, and Keghan has taken to him as "Goddad" which is amazing! The pair of them are precious. I'm going to take a moment and post some "brag photos"! Because aren't they just the freaking cutest?!?!?!
Anyway! I do have my sad days. I cry sometimes, especially when I go through my memories on Facebook. I do take pleasure in deleting some of those more hurtful memories, especially the ones where I am being all sickeningly positive and blissfully forcing myself to be unaware of what was going on around me. I wish I could go back and change things sometimes. But then, I don't, because if I did then things wouldn't be the way they are right now. And I wouldn't change my "Now" for anything! I have been spending lots of time with my family, friends, and Erik of course. I am very thankful he has been so open and supportive of everything! I don't know what I would do without him in all of this.
Thanks for reading! Check out our adorkable happy faces below! (The photos below credit Loushanna Rose Photography)
Thanks for reading! Check out our adorkable happy faces below! (The photos below credit Loushanna Rose Photography)